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[23 Nov 2009|04:46pm] |
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It's true. Everyone needs a reason to stay alive - someone who justifies your existence. Someone who loves you. Not beyond all reason. Just loves you. Even just shows an interest. Even someone who doesn't exist, or isn't yours. No, no! They don't even have to love you! They just have to be there to love! Target for your arrows. Magnetic pole to drag on your compass needle and stop it spinning and spinning and tell you where you're heading and...someone to soak up all the yearning.
-- The White Darkness, Geraldine McCaughrean
That is how she makes me feel. I met the most amazing woman while in Germany, who has had a profound affect on my life. From day one, everything about her made me heart feel warm and became the source of my strength and drive to excel while there...from her smile to the way she laughs to silly looks and sense of humor. She does not have the body of a model, but she is beautiful to me - inside and out. If any of you have seen the movie Love Actually and remember the scene where the guy crushing on Keira Knightley shows his love at her front door, telling her that she is perfect to him, the same would apply to this woman.
Unfortunately, she is married. But she even said that the guy is an asshole, douchebag, etc and is tired of being with him. He treats her like crap and definitely does not deserve her. One of the most satisfying parts about it is that he is completely unaware of the amount of time her and I spent together. Each moment with her made the days better. Particularly in times of stress. If I could have made her world better, even in the smallest way, I would. I would risk everything for her. She feels mutally towards me. The only thing that prevented us from taking our friendship further was her fear of being categorized with the military wives who cheat of their husbands.
Hopefully by the time I return there, she will be single and let me win her heart.
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[22 Nov 2009|01:40pm] |
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It feels nice yet so awkward and uncomfortable to be home, even when this is what I have wanted all along. I was never able to grasp why soldiers returning home would face issues until now. We get so adjusted to the lifestyle that our civilian lives take readjustment. I miss Germany so much, but not the life. Being here with my family feels good, but I also made a second family across the ocean and they mean the world to me. They are people with whom I would and could unquestionably trust with my life, and vice versa.
Perhaps they are the truest friends who have come into my life, with the exception of a few here in the states and abroad. We were literally a family from the beginning, always watching each others backs and helping with anything to make life easier no matter what. That's why leaving them was the hardest decision to make. I guess sometimes people truly do need to lose things to appreciate them more. Soon I will be making another difficult decision...which is to re-enlist within a few months in order to return to that base in Germany to be with them until we can all come home -- where we belong.
Everyone chooses their own paths. Well this life is not meant for me yet. I need to be with them. So I've chosen this future for now. I want to be able to enjoy times of happiness with them, be a comfort during the hard and just share all the moments in between. Until then my plans are to make the most of the time here.
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[20 Nov 2009|08:57pm] |
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To quote Arnold Schwarzenegger as he said in Terminator 3.... "I'm back".
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[19 Nov 2009|12:15pm] |
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Flying tomorrow morning. My plane will touch down at 10pm. God, I feel so terrible and empty inside. The life that I have built here is going to come crashing down. :(
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[16 Nov 2009|09:49am] |
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Last week with my friends. :(
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| Coming home. |
[14 Nov 2009|09:30pm] |
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It has been a long time coming, but now I really am on my way back to the states. I leave from Frankfurt airport on Friday afternoon and expect to touch down at JFK in the morning. This is a bittersweet moment. When I first arrived in Germany, all I wanted was to be somewhere else. Anywhere but here. Now after a long adjustment period this has become a home and the great friends I have made here a surrogate family. They have been my support network through everything - good and bad times. That is why I am sad to leave them. The connection and bonds we have built could be strained by the distance. My fear is that I will lose a family whom I cherish dearly.
The worse parts of my life have always been saying goodbye to people, but this is the hardest thing yet. However, I will return in the near future. Most likely within a few months. Even if it means rejoining the army. One special person in particular - a woman is who I am afraid to lose the most. We have become so close since we met almost a year ago and are strongly attracted to each other. I always talk about women, but she is completely different. Most guys would probably only label her as cute, where as I think she is the most beautiful person I've ever met, from her personality to beauty. We share so much in common, from our senses of humor to views on love and life.
Every part of me says that she could be the one. If it were possible to stay here with her I would. Unfortunately my paperwork is already done. Hopefully the saying "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." will hold some truth for us.
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[08 Jul 2009|10:25am] |
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Hello. I have been somewhat neglecting LJ, huh? A lot of changes have happened over the last month and a half. I recently returned home in June for three weeks and soon after coming back to Germany, met a great girl, with whom I am now working on building a relationship with. It was awesome to go home and see my family and friends for a while, after being away for so long. The depression had compounded over time and was on the verge of consuming me and what life I do have here up to that point. The first place I went was back to New York City for a week, where I visited two of my best friends then flew down to Atlanta for a wedding and spent the last two weeks with a couple cousins, friends and my brother in-law and his family. I never really wanted to acknowledge either his or their existence but one thing about being an ocean away from home is that it makes me appreciate what I have even more. Now I want to return as soon as possible and get to know them.
It sucked to leave the states. When I got to the airport, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and just knocked the wind out of me. I was hesitant to get on my flight. In fact, I managed to stay a day longer by missing it. As a result, I had to reschedule it for the next day and ended up getting on that one. I was miserable throughout the entire nine hour long flight. The only thing that made it bearable was knowing one of the flight attendants from a previous trip.
This girl is great though. She makes me feel the complete opposite - happy. Whenever we spend time together, it makes the days better and life here more bearable. We both share a lot of qualities, which helps us to become closer and build on the foundation for a relationship when we are ready. Right now we are taking things slow and seeing what happens, but we are very confident and certain of where things are heading.
Hope you all are doing well!
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[16 May 2009|01:35pm] |
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Been a relatively decent month when compared to the rest of my time here. I have made a few more friends, who help remind me of home and what makes it better is that we are almost like a family.. only not. I usually hang out with a group of latinos, so the group is big and tight knit. Anywhere we go, it's as an entourage and if anyone has issues, we all jump in to help. Most of them are Puerto Rican and from New York City too, which reminds me of hang outs back home, from Little Brazil in Hell's Kitchen to Park Slope.
They are cool people and help to lift my spirits, but being around them is bittersweet for those exact reasons. It makes me miss things that I used to do, like go to block parties and street festivals. And on that note, I still am trying to return to the states early. I've also made some enemies along the way due to this effort. When challening the powers that be, it is unavoidable, but in life battles are won and lost. I will not be afraid of them or threatened by any other issues. I am going to confront them head on and I'm going to win.
Aside from that, nothing particularly interesting has happened. Military life is monotonous routine. The only relief being those long five days passing by quickly, so the weekend can arrive.
But more importantly! How is life with all of you?
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[13 Apr 2009|04:32pm] |
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Due to the state of affairs here in this God forsaken place, I hav not really been motivated or had the will power to do anything. This weekend was pretty good though. One of the best, if not the best since I arrived here. Friday night, a band from the states visited while on tour in Europe, so several friends and I decided to catch their concert. The music was pretty good for the genre - underground R&B with a mix of hip hop and techno. After the show ended, we all had a after party, sort of speak at one of my friend's house late into the night.
We basically sat around and blasted music the entire time and talked about our experiences. If any of you happen to hear about a band called The Earthworms or Fresh Heir,check them out. They can also be found in St. Lous. They are cool guys and are different than most musicians. They get into their music and feel it, and try to make others to also. Saturday morning, I hung out with one of the same friends, Laura for most of the day. We were both still recovering from the previous night though, so we called it a night around 10pm.
Those two - Laura and Alex are my best friends here. Without them I would be lost and spiraling through depression. Sadly, they will be leaving soon, leaving a vacuum behind that will certainly cause that. A significant reason for why I need to leave here before that happens. I wish there were a nice universal remote control that I could use to pause selected moments in time or fast forward. Can someone offer that, please? Hump Day should be fun as well. Laura planned a party that night and I intend to be there. Work or no work.
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| Still here! |
[31 Mar 2009|05:16pm] |
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Been a while since my last update and the reason for that is because life is still the same. The only thing that has changed is the degree of my depression. It is probably bordering on manic, but not quite there yet, due to my close circle of friends, who help me through each day. I have been traveling occasionally. About several weeks ago, some friends and I made a two hour drive to Prague in the Czech Republic for sight seeing and shopping for them. It's a very nice city - modern but still deeply rooted to the past in terms of architecture and some local customs. We also visited the popular tourist destination of Czebh, which is reknown for high end brand name items that are sold rather cheaply.
A few weeks later, we took the train down to Vicenza, Italy and spent a weekend there. The first day was mainly dedicated to sight seeing and experiencing the culture. The second, we split up. They went up to the Alps for skiing but I just wanted to stay in my room and relax. Other than that, the days just keep passing. I miss home so much. Being in my own apartment, sleeping in my own bed, enjoying every part of life in the city, from the smell of Times Square to riding the train and being around the people. More importantly though - I miss being close to loved ones.
But enough emo stuff from me. How is life treating you all?
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| Put me on a jet plane! |
[31 Jan 2009|03:09pm] |
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When I first joined the army, it was with good intentions. I wanted to make a difference and contribute towards making the country better after 9.11, but now that has gotten lost after almost two years. Life in the military is easily accomodating for some and at the same time, conflicting to others. This is my situation. I thought I would be able to manage until the contract ends, but the effort has all but failed. Life would be much better in the states. Since arriving in Germany, it has only been extremenly boring and monotonous. Although I did meet a few people who eventually became friends and help me to cope here.
However, they are all scheduled to either leave the army or relocate to bases back in the states within the next two months. So I will be alone again. Sometimes change is inevitable and I know people should not rely or depend on others, but they play important roles. They are my strength here, escape from the daily stresses of army life and sources of somewhat happiness despite my unhappiness. To say nothing of a lack of motivation. They have essentially been my support system.
Therefore I plan to put in orders to leave here as soon as next year then find a more suitable base stateside - closer to everything I know and need. One fact is that I would not be in the right mindset if there were a deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan. Not in a bad way.... simply empty. There will be hard times ahead and nothing is certain, but hopefully this unit will place the person first instead of the soldier and allow me to move on. Anywhere back home is better than this.
I hope '09 is great for all of you so far!
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[31 Dec 2008|05:41pm] |
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Happy new year 2009!!
For you all who are already well ahead of the rest of the world - Australia, New Zealand, etc, wish you all the best and more for the new year! Back in the states, the same sentiment goes out to you!
My new year's resolution is.....to try to avoid being attracted to taken women, like I have been for two months. I always tend to describe the women I meet as great and amazing, which some are but a woman whom I recently met really is. She just doesn't know it. I appreciate her beauty but more than that, everything about her is attractive, from the glow she has when happy to her competetive attitude. She is the type of woman who is the personification of the saying "Behind every great man is a great woman". Every moment around her is worth while. Even on her bad days, just seeing her makes everything right. Sadly, I was too egotistical to ignore her. She finds way to get my attention, either by touching me, asking for my help with things or jokingly busting my balls. Or to translate...finding some way to turn a situation into a hard time to amuse us both. Unfortunately I am afraid that the only possible outcome could be bad for me. I suppose that makes the choice obvious. Life is more important than one person, but how to go about separating myself from her is easier said than done. It sounds selfish and cynical but in the back of my mind, I wish she would break up with her guy.
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| A very happy unbirthday to me! |
[26 Dec 2008|02:08pm] |
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Guten tag! Or good day. A belated Merry Christmas to everyone! Hope everyone enjoyed the quality time with loved ones and got your desired gifts. If not, then at least moments of happiness. :) As for me, the holiday came and went. I was invited over for Christmas dinners by people but declined the offers due to not being in the spirit. How is it possible to be happy when away from home? Hence, why I continue to isolate myself. I have been told that no one can make it alone, but while here I am probably the representation of a man being an island unto himself. There are only a few of whom I trust and hang around within an inner circle of friends. Other than that, my room is my world when off duty. One of my friends told me that's a lonely lifestyle but it only is if people lose perspective of what is important. Everyone and everything back home help me to be content.
Have a great weekend and an early happy new year!
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[15 Nov 2008|11:03pm] |
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Time for another update! Life here is very monotonous. Despite the location I have not had the time to escape and truly enjoy Europe. Not even around Germany itself. Nor do I really want to. I am in a position to exploit opportunities most wouldn't have the chance to in a lifetime. The cause is that being separated from life back home has a stronger effect every day. I think I'm going through a phase of being very ambivolent about the future here, possibly because of realizing how important the things that people would usually take for granted are. The only way to stay in touch with life in the states is by phone, email or watching the news on tv. Other than that, soldiers are isolated - unless they are married and have families or start relationships here.
The impact is made painfully clear following deployments. A lot of young soldiers have been killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Individuals who will never get to enjoy life and all the world has to offer. It shows just how pointless and senseless war is. They are at an age where they could basically die imminently. The ideal situation would be the possibility of simply terminating my contract early, then returning to the life I left. I regret how much of a reckless abandon I had towards everything and certain friends. Now I've started to regain that appreciation again, which is perhaps why I would rather have friendships with the civilians rather than other soldiers.
They vindicate my feelings. When there is an avalanche of negative emotions, they make me think of my family and friends and the fact that I may not be the best person but need to pursue goals and obviously have a lot to live for. Once I leave the army, I want to embrace life. But more importantly! How are all of you?
Hope the rest of your weekend will be great!
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| Let us rebuild the country.... together. |
[05 Nov 2008|12:35pm] |
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Yesterday commemmorated the beginning of a new era, for all Americans and the world! In two months, the last eight years will only be viewed as a turbulent period that eventually becomes a forgotten memory in the history pages and minds of people who made their desire and hope for change more than evident. Never since John F. Kennedy has there been such enthusiasm and excitement for a President. From the streets of Chicago and Washington D.C, to international capitals, the lost dream of a better world was renewed. Now we all must rise to the challenges ahead in order to make it a reality.
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| Yes....Starbuck's is evil! |
[16 Oct 2008|05:32pm] |
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Hello! No new details to write about, but I am in the mood to update, none the less. The military has still failed to change, conform or otherwise affect me, but one thing has changed. I rarely went to Starbuck's because the general perceptions are that only preppy and rich people go there, as well as it being a wicked - plug for Boston vicious monopoly - plug for Abby and Yazu ;). But I've been going to the one here on a daily basis to satisfy a new addiction; Reese's Frappucino. It tastes great! More similar to a milkshake than coffee. You could hardly tell the difference. Now when I return to the city, I know where I will probably waste money. A very deceptive business strategy! In fact, it provides another escape. A place where I can relax and read a newspaper over a drink and snack.
Here comes the cliche line!
....... But more importantly! How are you all?
Have a fantastic weekend!
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| Life is complicated. |
[10 Oct 2008|04:34pm] |
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So today revealed a painful truth. My instincts about the girl were almost right, except I did nothing wrong. She apparently found a new "better" guy, with whom she would rather spend time. As well as a new group of friends that consists of guys. Although we were never dating seriously, it still hurts. What makes the rejection worse is that she did it indirectly. Last week we had planned to take the train to another city this morning, but when I went to pick her up I ran into one of her friend, who then relayed the message. I was perplexed for a minute then accepted the situation.From my observations and experiences here so far, the military community has a high percentage of people who are strongly opposed to committment. Guess it works out for the best. No, it does. After all, I didn't want to get immersed in the life here. Now there is nothing to impede my return to the states once my two years are complete.
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| The trouble with love is.. |
[08 Oct 2008|01:15pm] |
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Relations between me and the girl are getting stronger. We have become closer over the last few days. In fact, our mutual friends even say so, despite that we limit the public affection. But now that we are at a semi-dating stage, she seems to be getting detached and slightly distant. Space is not an issue, because since the class ended, we have only spent a couple hours together. Mainly for lunch dates. How quickly we got to this point might be the cause, since we only went out once. At first I would have welcomed this out of self-preservation and wanting to remain patient until I return to the states, in regards to hooking up with a girl. But now she has stripped away my emotional and mental defenses and it creates a sense of uncertainty when I see her in that mood. I don't let her notice though.
We usually chill in her room, but this time I walked her home and ended the day there. This is making me feel guilty. If I did something wrong, she does not hint at it. I could be self-centered. Do myself a favor and follow through with the original plan to not have relations while here. Simply fuck it and move on. But I care about her and know she shares the sentiment.
Why are you girls so complicated?!
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| You win some, lose some. |
[03 Oct 2008|04:20pm] |
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I was delivered another hard blow from the army yesterday, or myself. When soldiers first arrive at overseas bases, they are mandated to take a cultural course, in order to better adjust and acclomate to the culture. That is what I was enrolled in since my arrival. In the process I met a girl, who can only be described as great. She is beautiful, smart, funny, very outgoing and nice. Sadly yesterday was the last day and we all went our separate ways. It wouldn't have been so bad if we were within close distance, but she is at a base farther away and lives in a city about an hour from here. To exacerbate the situation, we didn't think to exchange contact info. She made me want to stop being such a loner, especially since we got along wonderfully. We even toured Berlin and the city she lives in almost all day, which included lunch and shopping. I wish we did have each others info.
However, this is not exactly as romantic as it sounds. She happens to be committed already. For some odd reason I have a tendency to be attracted to taken women. Maybe for the thrill of seeing if my charms work or if they would be bold enough to be cheat. Still, when taking into consideration that we were together alone all day on a semi-date, it does give cause for cautious optimism. Although I have been adamant about avoid making any sort of relations while here, whether friends or a relationship, I hope we manage to meet again. If only to hang out...at the least. I'm content to wait until I return to the states to find that special girl. :)
More importantly though! How was everyone's week?
Have a great weekend!
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